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W is for...

Today I contacted my Nurse Coordinator to let her know our break would be longer than we originally planned. W is for waiting.

I've had my nephews quite a bit since the end of September. My brother works full time, and although the 3.5 year old (G) is in preschool, it's only 2x a week, for about 3 hours each time.
My mom (Grandma) has both kids pretty much full time, so I've stepped in to help as much as I can.

The 2 year old (L) is getting smarter each day, and along with that comes the sass and defiance, which makes him quite the handful sometimes. So I take him, or G, and we hang out. We have sleepovers, we package orders, we watch Little Baby Bum, and we run errands. We go to Costco. Man do those kids love Costco.

Snacks. Drinks. Forklifts. Ceiling fans. Yep, Costco = Ceiling fans.

I love my buddies, and I'm glad I can help, but I'm also tired of waiting.

This entire process, it seems like we've always been waiting for something.
Ovulation day.
Test day.
Blood draws.
Hormone levels.
Follicle growth.
Test Results.
Weight loss.
Money. Man this shit is expensive 😕

And again...we wait. Until things calm down. Until I'm in the right head space. Until my eggs are older, and my chances get slimmer. Until life passes me by.

Image result for waiting infertility quote


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S is for...

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It was hard. Shitty even. S is for shitty. 
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It started off like any other family gathering day.
Well, after I could rally myself to get out of bed. I'd much prefer to just lay there with Tallie.
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F is for...

Today I would like to talk to you about the F word. No, not that one.
I'm sure you've heard that one enough for today.

This F word is different. This F word is personal. It's raw. It's real. It's painful. It's not talked about enough. Or, when it is talked about, it's dirty.

No, it's still not *that* F word.
Today I want to talk to you about FERTILITY, or rather about those who struggle with fertility. An even dirtier word. INfertility.

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I can tell you first hand, #infertilitysucks

It sucks EVERYTHING. The fun. The happiness. The hope. The future. Everything is sucked into the black hole that is infertility.
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W is for...

Today I had my first ultrasound in almost a year.
Well, except for the emergency room visit.
W is for Wanda. Everyone's favorite friend.

Dr. B was running a little late. Darn those other women and their eggs. I remember my Nurse Coordinator telling me that ovaries don't know what day it is (about working holidays). Apparently they don't know what time it is either...
So I waited. Half naked. Covered by an over-sized paper napkin. Just me and the ultrasound machine. Wanda. Should I play with her? Roll the giant track ball around a bit?  Would they know? I mean, it's not like they can have cameras in there, right?
I grabbed my phone. I checked Etsy. I messaged my transfer groups and talked about the horrors of cervical clamping that may be in my near future. I waited.  I was bombarded with photos of babies.  I love babies.  I'm still waiting.
I always feel so awkward waiting there. Trying to decide if I should let my feet dangle, or put them in the stirrups. One dow…